I stood there, looking out over the Grand Canyon. The beautiful sunset was setting fire to my imagination. My family was scattered along the rim in the usual family groupings. Adults in one, teens in another, children drifting in between both, and me, standing alone, seeming to be, like everyone else, admiring the sunset. Which, at least in part, I was. But more so, I was mulling over my life. Pondering all the events that had led me up to then, standing at one of the greatest chasms in the world. And wondering whether it wouldn't be better to just jump. How old was I then? Was I sixteen, fifteen? I had never had a girlfriend, and wouldn't for another two or three years. Of course, I had no way of knowing that then. Back then it didn't look like I'd ever have a girlfriend.
Maybe it would've been better if I'd never gotten involved with girls. Maybe I was fortunate to have never had a girlfriend. But back then I didn't see it that way. Not having a girlfriend was merely another one of my many failings. It certainly wasn't something to be fortunate about, not then. It was right up there with losing any friend I had ever had. I never kept a friend for long. Something always seemed to happen. Either I moved, they moved, or we grew to hate each other. Don't ask me how the last happened, but it tended to happen more often than you'd expect. Sure friends have a tendency of falling out. But my friends have a tendency of blowing up in the process. The last "friend" I had threatened to kill me if he ever saw me outside of school again. Ah, the joys of friendship. I was reluctant of getting new friends after that one.
And now here I stood, gazing out over infinity as the sun set the horizon ablaze. Foreshadowing of my future? Perhaps. No friends, never before had I had a relationship. In school I was labeled "emotionally disturbed" and put in "emotional support classes." Which would hinder me later in life, among other things.
I excelled in academics, I just didn't like being told when I was wrong. It didn't help that often I knew I was right(no seriously, I was). The other "emotionally disturbed" weren't exactly the brightest of the bunch, so of course my classes were far too easy, and many were a year behind the "normal" students. Which I still haven't caught up for, I'm still a year behind where I could be. A year behind where I should be. Now I've lost even more time. I wonder if I'll ever reach my full potential. I despair that I never will.
I avoided extra-curricular activities like the plague. I wasn't fit enough for sports(a rare genetic disorder, I later learned), and so I loathed all athletics. I wasn't interested in diversity. People have hated each other for ages based on stupid shit. I wasn't about to get involved. We all bleed red, right? Someday everyone will see that, they don't need my help. I was in an environmentalist's club for a year, but identifying all those different types of leaves was tedious. I wouldn't really get into computers until later, and computers don't leave many options for club topics anyway. At least not at my school. So mostly I spent my time alone, reading books and daydreaming. I still do far too much of the latter, but not nearly enough of the former, at least in my opinion. I had tried to pick up some hobbies. Playing collectible card games like Magic: the Gathering. Or role-playing games like D&D(Dungeons and Dragons) and Palladium. For a while it looked like I might actually make some friends with the latter, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. But I'm straying to a future that hadn't happened.
Let's say that at that juncture life wasn't the best it could be. Neither was it the worst. But it did seem altogether meaningless. Empty and devoid of reason. It still feels that way, sometimes, when I stop and let myself think too much. What god in her right mind would create a world like this? Standing there at the edge of creation, I saw my chance to go ask her. I wasn't brave enough to slit my wrists, but maybe I could do this. It would just take one tiny little step. The sun finished it's dance of inferno and sank below the horizon. My family began to walk back to camp. "Jesse." I turned from oblivion, called back by a voice I could not refuse. My life saved by her that granted, or cursed me to, it. My family would never know how tempting the Grand Canyon was.